Czech women spend their money on 5 things: hair care, manicures, cigarettes, clothes and food. In that order. My list looks more like: food, chocolate, wine, beer and workout t-shirts. Last Saturday however, I became a fully-functioning Czech lady-citizen and spent some money on hair care. (I was a bit disappointed that there wasn't a Czech lady-citizen ceremony, but I couldn't find a number to call to tell them that I was taking the oath.)

Apparently working for IBM and moving half-way around world has taken its toll on my golden locks and I am way more gray on-top than I would care to admit. So I checked around to see about recommended places and prices to un-gray myself. Turns out there aren't many english speaking hair-dudes within the hair-dude community and not surprisingly, they can charge what they like. A typical hair-cut and dye job is priced at about the same as a full kidney transplant in most 1^st world nations. And while the Czech women and their expat lady friends can live with these prices I had a very hard time justifying them.

So whats a gal to do, you ask? Well you go to your local hypermarket and you buy the Salon-in-a-Box. For the equivalent of $8 CAD, you can get a fully-functioning Loreal #15 brown, do it yourself dye (or perhaps 'die') kit. Daring I admit, but really who would notice if I showed up as a purple headed enablement leader? Most of my work is with the male population in Eastern Europe and lets face it most men wouldn't notice and many of the women here have purple hair anyway so it wouldn't be a problem.

So come Sunday afternoon, I locked myself and Caroline into our upstairs bathroom and opened the box. That wasn't even hard. The box came with one set of gloves, 2 or 3 tubes of stuff and a container for mixing. What the box didn't come with was english instructions. After staring at the pictures where the smiling, maicured lady demonstrated how to do this, neither Caroline or I were any further ahead. And since the iactual written nstructions didn't mention the words for butter, chocolate or beer I decided that google translate would have to be deployed.

So off to the computer we went and I typed in the first sentence from the instructions:

MAKE SURE YOU WEAR THE GLOVES it screamed. How bad is this stuff I screamed, if you have to wear the gloves. IN THE VERY FIRST SENTENCE.

The next set of instructions weren't so straight forward. This is what I got from Google:

Apply the rest of the remaining 2-3 cm shemesh co y of the Incas and the roots.

So according to Google, the box was supposed to contain an Inca.  I automatically assumed it was an Inca warrior who would dye my hair for me while gently massaging my scalp with his strong warrior hands. (well, perhaps I made that last part up, but the Inca part is at least true). Nonetheless, we were really hoping to go back into the bathroom and find the warrior awaiting his assignment. But no. Nothing but a couple of wet towels and Bailey the Dog wondering what all the fuss was about.

At any rate, we felt we knew enough to start the process. So Caroline carefully mixed the appropriate tubes of brown gunky stuff into the test tube like container and we let it sit for a few minutes so that it was properly absorbed. And then it really did turn purple. And smelled so much like ammonia that my nostrils were burning. Once again I found myself wondering how bad is this stuff really? Oh, and did I mention the mixture was now full on purple? Not mauve or light purple, but purple. Putting purple ammonia on my scalp wasn't sounding all that pleasing with or without the warrior. But I decided to go ahead anyway – afterall, $8 is $8.

OMG. It was just like being in the Lord of Rings where gollum finds the ring and screams “it burns us, it burns us”. But at least my hair wasn't turning purple; it was indeed brown as advertised. Although probably not as brown as it could have been as there was no way I was keeping that stuff on my head for the recommended length of time. So as soon as possible I rinsed out the ammonia and lathered my head with polysporen instead of the conditioner it called for. Turns out that polysporen has many conditioner like properties so this wasn't a bad idea at all and it soothed the 3^rd degree burns.

And finally, after all was said and done, I went back to google to type in the rest of the instructions to see if we had done something like mixed the wrong stuff together. What I got back from Google was this:

Grind can pass the final quantity evenly enough to pee the whole length of hair. 

So I obviously didn't do anything wrong and it wasn't even ammonia after all but plain old pee. Which makes sense when I think about it cause the bathroom did smell for quite a while like a hundred cats had peed on my head.

Which probably explains why Bailey kept visiting us.

People Who Should Not Travel

I am what 'they' refer to as road warrior.  I have been through most of the world's major airports and I've seen a lot behaviours that I wish I hadn't.  As I get ready to board yet another flight, I thought i would publish my own personal set of behaviors that should get a traveller banned from flying or staying abroad.  Feel free to add to the list as I'm sure there are others... 


1. Any passenger, namely me, has the right to turn around and tell the dude behind you that cutting his nails on an airplane is so over the top gross, that they are to cease immediately.  Especially, wait for it... If the cuttings fly over your shoulder.  Seriously. 

2.  No one should be able to grab the back of your chair and pull it backwards by 90 degrees simply because they can't get their ass out of their own chair without this support.

3.  Every passenger should have the right to switch places with the parent of that child who won't stop kicking your chair - despite staring rudely and outright asking them to stop.

4.  Mandatory shower and teeth brushing sessions for all passengers who I decide need it.

5.  You are not allowed to be rude to the airline people. Yelling and screaming at the person behind the counter because the flight is late is NOT their fault and they should not bear the brunt of your anger.  And it makes me crazy.  

6.  Don't stand in the aisle with your crotch or your ass in my face.  I don't like it.

7.  I will decide who can and cannot take their shoes off inflight.

8.  Do not ever assume that just because the lady cleans up after you in the Hilton lounge she is stupid and cannot speak English.  Over heard in the lounge in Bucharest recently....

(Remember it has to be in your loudest voice (dressed in your loudest clothes) so everyone eating breakfast can hear you)

"Phil, do you know how to work the Espresso machine" 
Phil doesn't know so of course you turn to the lady in the lounge and in your bestest loudest voice you ask ' DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH'

And since you are in Bucharest where everyone learns English, she replies very quietly, 'please don't yell and how can I help you'.     And then rude lady yells back at Phil... "Hey Phil, she speaks English".  SHE should not EVER TRAVEL.

Oi!!!! 
     

A visit to the MUNICIPAL LIBRARY – MĚSTSKÁ KNIHOVNA

Lynn and Paul are our Canadian/Czech neighbours who left the confines of Etobicoke many years ago to run their own business in Prague.  Paul was born in CZ but his family left for Canada when he was 5.  The idea that they have lived here for many years coupled with the fact that Paul speaks fluent Czech has left us giddy with all the questions we can get answered and the help we can receive.  For example, up until 2 weeks ago we were still untangling ourselves from the 'Martin owns our car' mess as we finally received everything we needed to register the car in our name.  Paul was brave  generous enough to accompany Stu on this little errand.  One complete afternoon later and voila, we own the car.  Which would never have happened if it was just Stu trying to do this. 

Many things boil down to the fact that If you do not have knowledge of the Czech system or the language, then you are simply in for a world of hurt.  The Czech people can be just plain suspicious of foreigners and are not willing to help, but bring along your Czech speaking buddy and things miraculously open up for you.  So having Paul and Lynn for friends is a very good thing for us.  I am not sure if that there is any value in it for them, but you know we've not really given them any choice in the matter and quite frankly we will not let them out of our sites.   

Fast forward to this particular Saturday and Stu and I and Bailey the Dog are on a walk with Lynn and Paul and their puppy Roxy.  While we enjoy walking with our other friends and their dogs, Lynn and Paul offer the additional benefit of being able to communicate in Canadianese:  RCMP, Muskoka, Timmies, The Leafs, Peter Mansbridge, CBC, HNIC... the list of Canadianisms is endless and they get them.  There isn't anyone else that we can communicate with like this.  Mention Muskoka to someone else and you are just as likely to get slapped. 

After the walk, Lynn has decided to take their daughter Sam into the MĚSTSKÁ NIHOVNA which is the Prague library and I, in my very subtle fashion, invite myself and Caroline along for the ride.  According to the library's website, they have an 'extensive collection'  of English language books.  I have been searching for a solution to the amount of money I am providing to Amazon to have them deliver English language books and perhaps this is it. 

In to town we go and (except for the detour for frozen yogourt) we have no trouble finding the library.  It is a beautiful old building right in the heart of the old town with some parts of it dating from the 11th century.  The first place we visit is actually The Clementinum or the National Library of the Czech Republic which was founded in 1781.  But even earlier than that, say around 1622, the Jesuits were using this building as part of the library for Charles University.  Sam is acting as our interpreter and after a couple of false starts we end up in the area where they 'collect' their English books.  The first book I find is a 1970's cast off from the Scarborough Public Library called Stories from Ontario.  Surprisingly, neither girl seems interested in this one so we continue our tour.  After about 5 seconds we figure out that there are no books for tweens in English in this building.  In fact, in the past 4 weeks, we've purchased more books from Amazon than this collection holds, so we need to move the tour next door to the mestska nihovna.  And since the municipal library of Prague was the one actually advertising its extensive collection of English books, we are feeling more confident.

Sillies.  Turns out that extensive in Czech means 3; with 1 being a dictionary.  Even the dictionary isn't really a dictionary but rather a book of colloquialisms of English for people new to the language.  Lynn opens the book to a page where they discuss what 'flying fu**' means and we quickly decide the girls won't want that book either.

Libraries 2, us Nil. 

So off we trot to the bagel store and the bakery in Old town instead. At least here we know that the collection of cookies is extensive and there will be more than 3.  And we can read the menu in English.  All's well that ends well.  

I've been getting asked by the 2 or 3 people who still remember us, what life is really like on a daily basis and how has everyone settled in. Well, for me there really is no change. I am still flying all over Europe only the trips are of shorter duration and I am home on the weekends plus on the odd day during the week. I've officially flown over 100,000 miles this year which equates to an awful lot of time spent both in the air and in airports. The Prague airport is small at least and is precisely 30 mins from home so I can leave for some flights as late as 1.5 hours before hand and still have time to go to the lounge. I've also made Diamond level at Hilton which really only means that I get free internet and that the dude at the front desk is slightly more polite to me.

At home, I've figured out how to drive by myself to a few places without a map or a gps and can actually get to the kids school without getting lost. I can also walk Bailey the dog in the local park and can leave that map at home. I've got about 100 words in my Czech vocabulary and can actually ask someone how they are and would they like some butter. Progress by anyone's standards.

As for Stu and the kids, there has barely been a hiccup. Both kids have settled into school and have made some really nice friends, most of whom live in the neighbourhood so they can get on their bikes and go and fetch them. The weather is getting pretty crappy now so we find they are in the house more often. I say its the weather as I'm sure its got nothing to do with the fact that we actually have English television now. School is going well for them and they've both just received their mid term report cards. We are very pleased with their marks and their teachers comments.

As for Stu, he has turned 884 Pod Valem into a social hub with the usual 'come for dinner' or 'stop by for a beer' kinda stuff going on. He has managed to make friends in the neibourhood and has gotten heavily involved in school activities. Some things haven't changed. One thing different seems to be that both Stu and the kids have been sick with colds which they almost never were at home. We think it is the change in diet (for example we don't drink much orange juice any more) so we've started to supplement our diet with vitamin C pills and cranberry tablets. I've been lucky so far and I chock it up to just not being around as much.

We are very much looking forward to Christmas with both sets of parents arriving in about 3 weeks. We will spend some time in Prague and have then rented an apartment in Val Gardena, Italy where we will be for Christmas. The kids and Stu will ski while the rest of us will wander the villages and I'll do some snow shoeing. We'll go to Salzburg on the way through and see the city in the winter which is supposed to be spectacular. We'll then have some more time in CZ before they all go back to Canada. I'm just looking forward to being in one place for more than a day and actually relaxing, as much as I know how to any way.

I must say it hasn't been the easiest transition, especially for me, but I think for the most part we are pretty much there now. We know how to get groceries and how to visit a doctor. We can buy clothes if needed and have discovered the local Home Depot. We found pumpkins to carve at Halloween and Caroline went trick or treating. Haircuts are being dealt with and we can find used ski equipment. Things we would all do in Canada. Finally, we've got friends in the neighborhood that we can count on in an emergency and can always find someone to share a glass of wine with. We miss many many things and people from home but after 4 solid months of being abroad, we are finally settled.  There is a matter of the over the counter drug thing so if anyone wants to reach out and help me get some Advil Liqugels, Gravol and Benelyn ... please do so!  You can get an aspirin and chicken soup without a prescription and thats about it.

Finally, we can sleep 4-6 guests, in case anyone wants to visit and we've already had 4 sets of visitors from Canada who can attest to our tourist skills – so just drop us a line and let us know when you want to come!

And let me leave you with one last piece of advice from my travel experiences: never, and I mean never, have a meal that includes Brussel sprouts and then get on an airplane. It is hazardous to the environment. Just sayin.

Entertainment

Over the past couple of weeks we've managed to take in a bit of European culture. Culture, in my opinion, is like a garage sale – one man's junk is another man's treasure.

A couple of weeks ago I had work in Madrid, home of The Bernabeu. The Bernabeu is the 90,000 seat stadium home to Real Madrid who just happened to be playing AC Milan in a Champions league game. I've never seen a professional football match – unless you count McMaster playing U of T in girls undergrad play in 1984. So the opportunity was not to be missed. The internet was the source of the tickets so as you can imagine there was a bit of a premium attached to them. Like a 130 Euro worth of premium, but that's a story for another day. I had to go.

So off we trotted, me and 2 workmates in our freshly purchased Real Madrid gear. There is no way to describe what 90,000 screaming, whistling, drum banging, foul mouth, smoking patrons of the Bernabau are like. LOUD and LOUDER come to mind. The whistling in particular is something to experience. Its like having 90,000 traffic cops stopping you at an intersection by all blowing their whistles at once. However, now that I've gotten my hearing back, I recognize it for what it was: a fabulous football match with the opportunity to watch Ronaldo, one of today's greatest players, weave some magic on the field. He was really something to watch and I'm glad I went although from what I understand he is a bit full of himself; I can totally relate to that and am not nearly as critical as others might be. After all, if my football career hadn't have been cut short due to injury who knows what might have been. Alas....

Sports in Europe is very different than North America on very many levels. For example, in the Bernabeu spectators from the visiting team are limited to one tiny section of the stadium. There might have been 500 fans come in from Italy and they were all dressed in red and sitting away from everyone else in their own section. So what you have is 89,500 Real Madrid supporters dressed in white and 500 AC Milan supporters, dressed in red, all sitting together in their own little corner of the world. So you can imagine that they hardly stand out at all. And at the end of the game, regardless of who wins, the visiting team fans are made to sit in the stands for at least an hour while the home team fans clear away. Very wise me thinks.

Also different is that almost everyone pulls out a sandwich wrapped in foil at half time and sits in the stands and politely eats their snack. No popcorn or ice cream or nachos. Just a sandwich from home. The NFL and all their tailgaiters wouldn't know what to do.

And then there are the super fans. They sit behind a goal and create their own equivalent of a sports mosh pit. They spend the whole game, and I mean the whole game chanting God Bless Real Madrid, etc... all the while banging a thousand drums and tossing each other in the air. Again..very similar to the platinum seats at the Air Canada centre. Its uncanny really.

Also the same is the lineup in the mens and womens bathrooms. There was me in my bathroom. That was all. Just me. While next door, 5000 men did a happy dance in line while waiting for their turn.

Oh and as for the game, Real Madrid won. 2 – Nil. Yippee.

Now, while that was on Tuesday, Friday back in Prague we all went to watch the Czech Sparta hockey club take on their arch rivals from Pardubice. I'm not sure what the Pardubice team nickname is but the Czech dude beside me assured me that it was Scum Sucking Pig Dogs. Contrast the Tesla arena with the Bernabau: maybe 3000 people sitting in a barn, politely eating bad sausage and drinking beer. No foil wrapped sandwiches. And not nearly as noisy, although the people tried really hard. The only reason the kids agreed to go (other than the fact that we've told them that they need to experience stuff with us at least once and then if they don't like it, they don't have to go back) was for the food. But, OMG was it bad. The only thing recognizable were the chicken sandwiches from KFC and how bad is that when you are dining on KFC and thinking man, this is good.

However, the price was right. For 4 of us including parking, tickets and dinner...any guesses on the cost? Under $50. All in. And all for the privlidge of sitting on very very hard benches in a freezing cold arena and watching the home fans scream at the visiting fans. As for the bathrooms, again there wasn't any lineup but I did have to play, find the toilet paper. Looking for toilet paper after you sit down and start doing your thing is not a very good strategy. And it gets worse when you find out that there is one common toilet paper dispenser for all stalls and its on the outside by the sinks. Of course it is – totally makes sense right??? It especially makes sense when you come out of your stall to find the other two stalls occupied with men who haven't bother to close the doors and are just standing there doing their thing with their back to you.

The kids, of course, were bored out of their minds once the food was gone but Stu and I enjoyed it.

Now onto Act III. Czech television. We finally broke down a bought a TV. We had not had one up until a few weeks ago and even when we finally bought it, we could only get bad english shows from the 80's dubbed in Czech or we had to watch straight up Czech television. This is a story from Czech TV and I didn't even see it but Stu assures me that it happened.

There is a version of America's Got Talent in every country that I visit and there is one called Czech's got Talent. Here is a sample (remember I am apparently not making this up):

Week 1: Czech lady in lovely red dress shaves her head on national TV. Thats it.

Week 2: Same Czech lady comes back. Different red dress. Very revealing. Slits all the way up the thighs. No bra. Low plunging neck line. Does a wrigley kinda dance thing and pulls off her panties. ON NATIONAL TV. 8:00PM. ON CZECH'S GOT TALENT.

She's not done.

All to stripper kinda music, she pulls a whistle out from between her boobs and THEN ... and I can't believe I'm writing this..she puts the whistle between her thighs, makes sure its, um, inserted all good and tight like into the netherreaches (cause I don't read harlequin novels, I'm not sure what the right term for netherreaches really is) and proceeds to blow the whistle 3 times. ON NATIONAL TV. 8:00PM. ON CZECH'S GOT TALENT. I don't know if she won or not, but I think Stu voted for her.

The moral of the story: we now have satellite with full Sky TV programming at a cost of $1500. Caroline is no longer allowed to select the programming and we only watch things with the Disney logo.